This morning, I went for coffee and took a short walk near the river outside Starbucks. The peaks around me were covered in snow. A recent storm had seemingly placed every flake strategically upon the branches of the trees. The water in front of me reflected the morning sun and I sat memorized by the majestic beauty surrounding me.

With my coffee in hand, I watched the shallow water as it flowed down the river; the banks covered in white. A small trout moving through the water caught my attention. I was captivated in that moment; not able to take my eyes off his faded rainbow colors. I watched him curiously as he swam against the current, his tail moving furiously against the downward flow of the river. He moved towards three small rocks, located in a trio near the center of the river. Naturally and instinctively, he tucked in towards the base of the stones. Using them as a haven and a place of refuge against the steady flow of the river, he floated gently in place as the water circled around him. While he was still being guided along the path, this moment of sanctuary allow him to regain strength, momentum and focus.

Then, with ease and clarity, he moved forward from under the stones. He was again caught by the gentle current. Rather than fighting it or resisting, he moved with the water allowing himself to be carried briefly downstream. His tail slowly steering him in the desired direction.

His movement was graceful. It was effortless and natural. It required no thought; only instinct. This small creature was not in fear. He did not move from place to place as a results of some eminent threat, but rather from an intuitive necessity for long term survival and well-being.

• Where are you swimming upstream- fighting feverishly against the flow? How tired are you?
• Who or what are your rocks? Your places of refuge and your havens?
• How do you know when to move forward and when to stay in haven?
• What are you resisting that might require you to pause and “go with the flow”?
• How might you listen to your own intuition and know when movement is required for your ability to thrive?

Last week, I was reminded of a story; an old Chinese proverb, which offers us valuable lessons in perspective.

An old farmer lived in a small village with his teenage son. He worked hard in the fields and his meager possessions were limited. The most valuable of his belongings was a work horse, which he used for tilling his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills seemingly lost forever.

The man’s neighbors visited and sought to sympathize with the old man over his bad luck.

“We are sorry for your bad luck” They would tell him, shaking their heads in sympathy . The farmer, lifting his hands gently as if balancing a scale, replied,“Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Two days later, the farmer and his son were working in the fields. The sun was slowly creeping behind the hills in the distance. They caught sight of a horse cresting the mount. Their horse had returned with a herd of other wild horses. The son quickly corralled the horses and the neighbors were in awe of the farmer’s good luck. He responded with the same reply as before. “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?”

The next day, the farmer’s son attempted to tame one of the wild horses. As he rode in the corral, he fell off the horse and broke his leg. As you can imagine, this was believed by all the neighbors to be very bad luck. However, the farmer replied. . .  “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Several weeks later, the army commanders entered the village seeking every able bodied youth they could find to fight in the war. As they came to the old farmer’s home, they had no use for a boy with a broken leg. He was dismissed…Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?

This story offers us a wonderful lesson in perception. Our tendency and human nature is to judge our circumstances as good or bad, positive or negative. When we consider emotion, this initial judgment hooks us and begins a rapid series of events. When we judge a given event as negative, we will experience an emotion based on that appraisal. Eckart Tolle, in his book, “A New Earth” stated, “Unconscious assumptions create emotions in the body which in turn generate. . . instant reactions. In this way, they create your personal reality.” (p. 135).

Good luck, bad luck . . . who knows. This perspective allows us to remain in a state a neutrality. It enables us to surrender to a greater purpose. When we place judgment too early, we create a personal reality that might not serve us. We do not know where our journey lies and we cease to allow events to unfold as they must. Our experiences are designed to help us learn from the past, live and appreciate the present, and prepare us for a future. When we release the natural urge to place judgment on our circumstances, we can actually manage our own growth and learning process more effectively, We can also change our personal reality.

I am intrigued by the notion of fearlessness. This sense that as individuals, eliminating our fears is desirable and necessary.  This idea that to be fearless means we must fight and battle; conquer and defeat. We run full steam ahead as if our fear never existed or as if we never saw it to begin with. Blind courage can come at great peril.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all about moving through fear. Countless books have embraced the title, and even my own book, “Leading without Fear” discusses the need to manage this emotion. However, I am a believer in the power of recognizing, understanding and managing fear. What I seek to appreciate is that fear must not be ignored or denied; it must be known and embraced.

I find myself contemplating the sheer blessing our fear provides. Being fearless can be defined as “to be without fear”. What might be useful is to think of fear from the perspective of trust, courage and risk (and our relationship to these aspects of the emotion); recognizing that to be fearless, one must actually come to terms with fear and establish a friendship with fear that looks very different than what we are accustomed.

Fears were designed for protection and defense. They exist and serve a critical purpose in our survival. The key is not the elimination of our fears, but rather the ability to be aware of precisely where our fear is coming from, discern the reality from the risks, embrace fears teaching, and learn from our own personal process of navigating fear.

Our fear is such a gift. It informs us in so many ways. Fear helps us understand what's important to us, it offers us direction and clarity, and it shines a spotlight on our values. Fear grants us permission to slow down, and it helps us to better understand the threats around us. Fear allows us to be bold, courageous and hopeful.

It also encourages us (sometimes forces us) to bring forward our greatest strengths and rise up with power and pride. Our greatest dilemma with fear is not listening to its messages with our head and heart; not paying attention to the meaning and then acting from our personal resilience.

Befriend your fears. They will move you forward in ways beyond imagination. Listen to them. Manage them. Act on them. They bring forth courage, trust and peace as long as we can partner with them and use them to our greatest advantage.

Inspiration can come from anywhere. Recently, one of my daughter’s friends posted a quote on Facebook that triggered some thinking. The quote stated, "Some people have expiration dates". In reading the comments on her site, she was not referring to death. Nor, did she have some shallow perspective about letting go of people who are important to her. Her wisdom was deeper than her age and she spoke to the need to release relationships that have out served their purpose for both parties.

Marianne Williamson, in a Course in Miracles, discusses that our relationships with everyone occur on different "levels of teaching". Once we have learned the lessons within various relationships, we move forward. I love this concept because it doesn’t hold distress or longing. It merely recognizes that often, there comes a time when certain relationships are no longer in our best interest - they don’t serve us (or the other person) in a positive way.  “They expire” so to speak and we must move from them.  It doesn’t require fear, anger or vengeance. It just requires a release of judgment and an embracing of love.  It doesn’t have to hold dread, hatred or bitterness. It can come with acceptance, love and a deep knowing and trusting of what is, what is meant to be and what is coming.

We often speak to these huge concepts in small isolation, so it can be difficult to explore them with the depth that a conversation grants us. I am certainly not suggesting that we ditch our spouses or kick our children to the curb. I am not recommending we destroy relationships that are meaningful to us. What I am liberated by is the idea that we can engage in relationships from the perspective of higher level agreements. I believe that we are put into committed relationships because we have larger degrees of learning and growth to give and share with these individuals.

• I do not want to report to a manager who degrades and belittles me. My higher level agreement is to be with a leader who sees my talents and allows me to bring them forth in my work.
• I do not want to stay married because I signed a marriage license. I want to be in a relationship with my husband because we continue to support each other in bigger ways that offer both of us greater degrees of fulfillment.
• I don’t want my children to maintain a relationship with me just because I am their mother. I desire a relationship that supports their growth and development, leaves them fulfilled in powerful ways and promotes their greatness. I need this higher level agreement in my relationship with them.

As we think about the need to create endings to various relationships, I am reminded of words that were shared by Kevin Kaiser of the Kaiser Institute. He stresses the need to design good ending to our relationships. “Often, we let relationships atrophy until they become so toxic they painfully fracture. And we carry the qualities of the failed relationship into our current and future relationships. A good ending fully accepts the other person, appreciates them for who they are, and recognizes that it's time for each party to move on and newly create with others.”

We see this in our personal relationships and our work relationships. Out of fear, we stay in jobs with bosses that undermine who we are. We engage in friendships that tear us apart and we remain in situations that are not serving our greater good or the other persons.

What relationships are holding you hostage? How might you design an ending that respects and values each of you and the individual journeys you must take?

I am reminded in my work and life. . . there is a deep way and need to respect the timing of events. Too often, we force action when we need to value flow. We move into reaction, when what we really need to is to create space for learning. We act, when it is time to merely observe.

I often sit with executive teams and watch them as they wrestle with a difficult issue. In the corporate world, there is generally little space for “wait and see”. There is also often little forgiveness for errors or mistakes in decision making. This fear continues to bind us to choices that have not matured; situations that require ripening. We rush the process and forget the wisdom that surfaces from pausing.

The gift of strong leadership is that they have learned and know when to observe and when to move; how to pause and when to act. Ultimately, they have learned how to be in flow. They have learned how to balance BEING and DOING.

I had a frantic meeting last week. In working with a client, there was a sense of urgency around leadership. Frustration, anger, feelings of betrayal and lack of support echoed in the voices of those present. Presumably, they also permeated the sentiments of other employees throughout the organization. As I listened to the emotion and fear in their words and tone, I found myself challenging them in ways that were likely uncomfortable, but also productive.

We have a tendency to hold strong expectations of others (leaders, fellow employees, friends and family) and when people fail to live up to our self-imposed beliefs, we enter negative emotional states that drain us of energy and momentum. We feel disappointed in them, frustrated by their actions and disillusioned by the disconnect between what we thought should happen and what actually did. This, in turn, enhances our fear around current circumstances and the state of our future.

What if we could just STOP? Stop telling ourselves stories, stop creating unrealistic expectations, stop judging behavior, stop engaging in armed conflict and stop wasting time and energy on what we cannot change.

What if, instead, we OBSERVED? Observed others without anger, fear or rejection. What if we rewrote our internal dialogue and actually held compassion and hope? What if we actually allowed the behaviors of others (no matter how annoying or frustrating they can be) to inform us. . . inform our current state and inform how we respond going forward.?

We cannot hold creativity in problem solving when we are in these negative emotional states. We cannot think logically, we cannot think compassionately and we cannot generate forward movement. We must shift our perception and begin to witness in others something different.

My advice for this group was to consider their internal story. What were they telling themselves about leadership as they judged the actions of those who directed them? What else could be possible beyond this story? How did they need to respond in order to actually support what they wanted to accomplish?

Our workplaces are changing. Leaders have to engage in new methods of leadership. Sometimes, as employees, we must manage up, and that often means a significant shift in our own awareness and response to situations. This shift in all employees will alter cultures and impact our work in indescribable ways.

So I ask you. . . where are you frustrated at work? What changes in perception might you need to make in order to enhance your own leadership?